Tuesday, December 31
I love vacation time.
I hate how everyone disappears over vacation time.
I broke after only three and a half days. My room is now clean. Ugh. But I had fun doing it, so it's ok. What bugs me is that my room has been messy for a long time (dude, 'time' is 'item' rearranged). But suddenly it's a big deal and I have to do something about it. Parenting seems to come in bursts. Adults leave me alone most of the time, but occasionally get the 'punishing itch.'
I'm soooooo bored.
Monday, December 30
Ok, now I'm leaving the computer...and I won't be back for a while... Oh god it's scary. Um, I'd better go before I start crying (or my dad starts yelling). I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!! *sob*bye*sob*
Oh my god I haven't posted in three days. Why? Because I'm not allowed to use the computer. Or watch TV. Or go anywhere unless it's necessary (like to help my mom move into her new place...ugh...) This was, of course, brought on by my room. Oh, my room. It is a river of problems, yet to be damned. Hehe. Damned. That was lame. Anyway, I refuse to clean it. That's really all. Me and my dad have had many a bitter fight about it. So, until I get my ass in gear, I'm going to be bored out of my mind...forever... Well, until I'm back at my mom's. We'll see what happens with that.
Friday, December 27
I love to find all the old things I've written and read them, one by one. But what's really cool is when I stumble on something good and think "not bad," rather than "I suck." I'm so bored.
Thursday, December 26
But I still like how I feel when my puppy licks my cheek. I blame that on those damn Hallmark ads.
If you don't have goals, life is pointless. But do you ever find that some of those goals are more pointless? Now, we make goals to justify our lives. Purpose. It's setting up a way for us to feel good. Fulfillment is joy. No one likes to be dissatisfied. What a strange system. We're slaves to emotions that come from within us. Everything in life revolves around these mysterious feelings. But what shapes our emotional reactions? Society. And what shapes society? Emotion. Oh my god it's so endless and hopeless and pointless and it makes me want to die. Oh well.
Friends can make you really happy and really sad at once. I miss "Mathis." We used to fight a lot. Have I ever had a male friend with which I didn't like to fight?
Mike link gone. The end.
By the way, I hate...
Sometimes I get so caught up in the computer that I forget where I am. Then again, maybe it's the smell of the nail polish remover.
I dreamed about a turtle with half a shell, an insane hyena and my dad. ‘Twas lovely, I assure you.
Last night I returned to my mom's house. Now I'm back at my dad's. My dad isn't home. I came here by order of my mother who told me that I could either get up and help or get out of her sight. My choice is obvious. I'm sure that I will pay dearly when mummy dearest comes to collect me this evening. I really don't want to pack. In case you didn't know, we're moving. About five blocks. I hate packing. She said, "you're making me miserable!" I said, "and you're doing the same to me. How dandy." Ten minutes later she said, "you said I make you miserable!" I said, "and you said it first." Before I left she told me not to try and get boxes down from the "attic" in the garage because she doesn't want me to fall and die. Well, at least I know she loves me. So, rather than proclaiming hatred for my mother, I'm going to say we're having a tiff. We aren't getting along. We disagree. We have conflicting priorities. (She says I'm going to end up on the street. Well mom, what's new?) She maintains that all our problems are caused by my apparent depression. Yeah. That's it.
Wednesday, December 25
I must learn to control my temper. I must keep in mind that my mom isn't trying to hurt me, even though she did ruin my ENTIRE EVENING. I must keep in mind that I love them and they love me. I must keep in mind that in only three more years I'm going to be gone. What the hell am I going to do next year when Nora's away in college and I'm all alone with them? It's not their fault, it's not their fault, it's not their fault...
My parents suck. My mom, especially. And I hate that they can't RESPECT MY PRIVACY and not read this. They said they wouldn't. They said that they understand. But, they obviously don't. And if they get "hurt" by all the mean things I say about them, I COULD CARE LESS. This is my blog and I refuse to feel guilty for venting here. If they want to know what I think they should ask me rather than sneaking around and lying. Assholes. I hope I make them cry.
I'm at my Daddy's house for the day. It's kind of cold. I don't really like Christmas. I hate spirit. I hate tradition. But if it makes you happy, go ahead and waste your days with pointless efforts to seem cheerful. I can't believe people need a HOLIDAY to smile. That's so lame. And I can't believe how crowded Central Market was on Christmas Eve. Disgusting. Although, I can't really talk. I was there too. But the other people were so mean. At least I was pleasant. And I'm still in a good mood. Not because it's Christmas and I'm supposed to be, but because I want to be. I hope "Santa" gets eaten by a reindeer.
Tuesday, December 24
Please direct your attention to the left. You will see, underneath "AIM," a link to Mike's blog. Due to his overwhelmingly convincing nature, I have been persuaded to link to him. And only him. However, I long ago decided that I do not want to link to people...what if I forget someone??? Thus, this link is only temporary. I'll leave it for, say, a few days. Just to make Mike happy. Because, apparently, I loooo(ooo)ve him. That's all.
Today has been very exciting. Not really. But not bad. Thanks to my wonderfully flexible parents, we long ago began the tradition of opening presents on Christmas Eve. Dandy. So, I got stuff. Lots of earrings. Some very practical items. The usual Christmas suspects. I think that best part of this year was wrapping things. I do enjoy that, oddly enough. Anyway, apparently I'm almost impossible to shop for. That's not surprising. I have no interests. I'm never thrilled by anything. All I really wanted was a goat, and my dad said no to that when I asked, oh, about two or three years ago. So. That's Christmas. Actually, Nora and I are spending tomorrow at my dad's so he can give us his presents. Lovely. I bet you two dollars I'm getting CDs. Ah, I know them so well. But I hate surprises, so it's all good.
Mama and Nora are going to church at 10:00. How odd.
OHMYGODIT'SCHRISTMASEVEDAY!!!
Monday, December 23
Can't we all just get along?
I have a fruity template!!! Oh god it's late. Good night.
Politics is, by far, the most amusing subject I have ever come across. Why? Because it is based solely on human imperfections and, being that we are all different, any two people will never completely agree. Basically, it's an endless and pointless argument. Lovely.
Sunday, December 22
Well, the whole Lord of the Rings thing didn't happen. But that's ok. I'll go tomorrow, or something. That's all. Oh, I love Star Trek. And, I dreamed about band people, baths, and little green snakes. Lalala...
I got up around noon. I got dressed about 7:30 so that I could run over to IGA in the dark and get a Dr Pepper. I'm going to see Lord of the Rings at 10:15. Sun, today, is not my friend.
Saturday, December 21
Today was a disappointing day. I lazed around, was intolerably bored, suffered through stabbing pains in my abdomen, found that my right knee didn't work, had a huge fight with my mom, didn't get to go on a walk, wasted an hour shopping, which that made me sick, and I still have to get Christmas presents for my family. But now, as I look back on it, yeah...it just sucked...
However, right now, I'm floating on a cloud.
Friday, December 20
I blame bad vision on electricity. Those damn fluorescent lights are ruining my eyes.
But, on the brighter side, I (might) get contacts! Joy!
I had fun with the posse. Good times at Celly's house. I like pizza.
Wednesday, December 18
Torture is the most disgusting thing ever. Only humans...only humans...
I have a very eventful winter break planned out. I will be writing many letters. Expect no gifts or cards, dear friends. Actually, expect nothing (as usual.) But some may get letters. If, of course, I find those damn stamps.
I may get to visit Kealing after all. In March. Yes.
Well, we went to Kealing, saw Mr. G and then, basically, got kicked out. All in all it wasn't a bad day.
Tuesday, December 17
I love how cheery this template is. I can be as mad as I want, but the color scheme is just too damn fruity to resist. Jack called Ms Gornall fruity. Fuck.
Apologizing seems to be a trend, and a good one at that. But you know, I have nothing to apologize for. I'm just sorry.
Nora and I hung out at Brentwood and we saw the PE teacher, Mr T. He still remembers us. Yay. I get to go to Kealing tomorrow. Double yay. Sean's leaving so biology is going to be a lot more boring. No offense Moe, but it's funny watching him beat you up. I ought to study but I'm not gonna.
Monday, December 16
I can't decide if I, as a person, have grown or become more foolish. I'm thinking it's the latter.
My conscience is so loud it's almost funny. Almost.
If only I had one of those nifty little organizer things to put all my thoughts in.
I am so damn unreasonable it's stupid. Anyone who tells me that isn't true can just die because you don't know what I'm thinking. You're basing that on my actions. So, thoughts are pointless. Actions are what matter. No one will believe me if I say that I think things which make me a bad person. Life is about affecting others. My thoughts affect only me. SO WHY AM I BEING HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR MY THOUGHTS? I think I live in some twisted dimension where I can make bad things happens by imaging, but good things only by trying.
Once I dreamed that I could kill people by wishing it so. I killed Dan and Joey and Mike and Miles. Miles? He's never done anything to me. I felt so horrible that I wished myself dead and it wouldn't work. So, I lived forever knowing that I had murdered four people for no real reason.
I refuse to dislike someone based solely on the fact that they dislike me. I have done that far too many times.
Really, just ignore me. I promise, that's all that works.
By the way, I hate it when people pity me because that's what they think I want. My life isn't even close to bad. The purpose of a blog is misunderstood. It's mine for me.
Christ, I'm a hypocrite. But at least I know so.
"I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,
And considerately killing me."
Tool, of course.
I got a lovely email from my 21 year old cousin Mathias in Austria. He's so cool.
I realized that whenever I see obvious, indisputable signs that I shouldn't do something, I become infinitely more determined to do it. That has gotten me into so much trouble.
Sunday, December 15
Despite what you may like to believe, you probably haven't changed since you were little. Personalities don't change. Generally, of course. That's so damn depressing.
Please, keep in mind that you're only a whore if you get paid.
I missed a lovely outing to the outskirts of Austin because I wasn't aware that it was taking place. I accomplished nothing school related. I gained like 10 pounds because Norga and I enjoyed an evening of junk food since it’s been so long. I ran into Holly at the store which was terribly nerve-racking, even though she is my bestest bunny made of honey, because I hate seeing people and I was excruciatingly cold in the ice cream isle without my dandy jacket. All in all it was a pretty damn good day. Score...I mean 'penalty.'
Saturday, December 14
I'm eating 100% guaranteed since 1926 real quality original chocolate flavored syrup. I laughed for a long time about that one. Anyways, the fact that I'm using chocolate syrup as a substitute for desert is kind of pitiful. But hey, I'm desperate. Hehe. And hyper. Hehehehe. Oh god. Somebody needs to take a chill pill. Chill pill. That is so damn amusing. Now I have to stop typing because eating chocolate syrup with your fingers makes typing very difficult. Lalala...
I've been awake for 7 hours. I spent 5 of those watching TV and 2 playing solitaire (with a few conversations on AIM.) Blah blah blah. I consider this to have been a completely worthwhile use of my time. That's really sad.
I'm in love with Moby's head. Hair is cool, no hair is cooler.
I temporarily have an attraction to really ghetto white guys who are trying to be black. Don't ask. The story isn't worth your time.
Friday, December 13
Thank god it's Friday.
Changing Lanes was a strangely disturbing movie.
In light of our English discussion today over why we learn about the hero cycle, I must ask who actually applies what we learn in that class to real life. I suggest we all do. It will make us better people. *cough*hubristic*cough*fools*cough*
Thursday, December 12
One thing that really bothers me is when people are nice to their friends and mean to everyone else. They just seem so fake. And if you’re friends with someone like that then you are blind because someone who is nice to only you isn’t a nice person. I may not like everyone, but at least I try and be decent. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with not getting along with someone. It's just stupid to judge people, think them not worthy of your friendship and be an ass to them.
It was an evening for another Austrian dish (after soup, of course.) Palatschinken. Hell yeah. It's basically a crepe, but much better because, well, it's Austrian...and my dad makes it. Ground hazelnut and ice cream and chocolate syrup...yummy. I had a lot of trouble eating because I can't seem to use a fork. Once I got it into my mouth it kept falling out because my braces make it hard to deal with this kind of food. Laughing because Nora and my dad were laughing really didn't make chewing any easier. Overall it was good family fun.
Ah, accomplishment of the week:
Last night I beat my dad at schnapsen for the first time in, say, a year or so. It was a good game.
Wednesday, December 11
It's amusing that humans will follow possibility to the ends of the earth, but as soon as there's reality involved, we run for the woods.
Tuesday, December 10
By the way, there are a lot of people that I want to see really good things happen to. Pretty much everyone, I 'd say. Honestly, seeing others happy forces me to be. Smiles really are contagious.
The concert was dandy. I liked what I wore. Nora and I had fun 'bonding time' while getting ready and I always love that. This post had a real purpose, but I've forgotten it, as I so often do. I love run-on sentences.
Monday, December 9
Oh, I've been at my dad's house since Saturday, but I'm going back to my mom's tomorrow. Just in case you need to know.
And, cat's are like the second best thing ever.
Nora and I went to the store and we bought shoes. Shoes make me very happy. I mean, wow, I love shoes. I know that I never wear anything except tennis shoes, but that doesn't mean I can't own other stuff. Anyway, these are for the band concert tomorrow. And I'm going to wear black pants which makes me happy because I hate skirts and dresses. Nora and I saw Allyson at Mervyn's which was wonderfully exciting as it'd been a whole five hours since I'd last seen her. Actually, it was terrifying, because I hate seeing people when it isn't expected. But Allyson's cool so it was alright. Yeah, people really scare me. A lot. Perhaps that's why I seem so antisocial.
It's been a lovely day. I'm starting to like my hair. Band is fun because it's always something to complain about.
Lust is in the air and it's a very strange thing.
Nora reminded me that she's leaving and I got sad. But hey, she'll visit. Besides that, we get to go shopping at like 9 pm which is fun because although I hate shopping, I love shopping with Nora.
Sunday, December 8
I love how all the 'cool' and 'mature' freshmen look at me and whoever I'm being silly with at the time and think "they're such freshmen." Then I get to laugh at them because when they're all old and bitter I'll still be enjoying life. There's still plenty of time to grow up. I think I'll go play a game with my dad. Or maybe I'll get Nora to play Twister or something. Lalala. Games are fun. Sisters are fun. I feel lucky.
Saturday, December 7
I'm always talking about how much I miss Kealing and how I'll never love McCallum as much, but I think that I'm learning to appreciate high school in a different way. Being at McCallum bothers me because everybody's friends with everybody and I'm not really used to that. Come on, I was part of the ever so exclusive Posse. But I'm sure I'll adapt. What bugs me is that I know so many upperclassmen who meet me and think "wow, what a snob." God, I hate that. I'm not snobby, I'm just insensitive and blunt. You have to learn that my cruel words are meant with the utmost love and care. Argh. It isn't my fault. Blah blah blah. Blah.
So, I made 3rd chair district which is not particuarily good, considering that it's behind all the horns that made region band. But I'm fine with it. Um...my first etude sucked. A lot. I was A and had to play first and was pitifully nervous and blah. The second one was respectable and the third was ok. I'm just annoyed because I can play the music better. Whatever.
TIME TO BURN THAT DEVILISH MUSIC!
But Nora made 1st and I'm very proud of her because she's my sis and I love her. I'd say what all my friends made because I'm very proud of them too, but I'm afraid I'll forget someone, so I think that I won't. The end.
Friday, December 6
And now to present...
The Adventures of Placky the Plucky Peanut!
(By the way, I like titles that are completely unrelated to the story.)
I live in the town of Blimp, Arkansas. My name is Lori and I'm a skinny girl, 11, and I have very few friends. I'm a nerd. I like to write stories. While helping my father deliver papers one morning, a man falls into the town river. My dad tries to save him but he's already dead. The event had a huge impact on my father.
I am sitting at the desk, observing the magical room around me. Opportunity beckons like an open door in the distance. Before me I see a coaster, blue like the ocean. The desk is as brown as wood, and made of wood too. The computer hums like a dying bee. My mom's breath is as heavy as a ton of bricks. The TV reflects the pale light of the lamp in the corner. It makes me want to turn the TV on. But I cannot. My dad wouldn't like that. But at least I don't have a drunken father would beat me black and blue, just like the neighborhood bullies did to my buddy Donny last week.
Tomorrow is the traditional parade in which the mysterious Mexican woman who everyone calls The Female blesses the town river so that there will be good fortune this year. But uh oh! The river does not seem pleased. Unstoppable rains begin to pour.
While outside, bathing in the shimmering showers, I see a cat squalling in a puddle. I run over to pull her out of the water when there is a loud crunch. I look at the cat and it is now only half of what it used to be. Its entire back section has fallen off and putrid guts are staining the muddy water a dark red. Then I drop the cat and battle off a scary RAIN DEMON (called Young Jesus)...with a broom. Oh joy! I'm a hero. Except that no one believes me because they're all fools, delusional because of the suppressions of everyday life.
Then at church bees attack us. My grandpa turns out to be a coward. Everyone is in pain. Easter never was much fun.
And oh joy. The Female knows of my goodness and is going to give me a brand new scooter! I feel so special. What a shame that my poor father doesn't like her.
And my point? That crap is about what I get out of Boy's Life. It's a dumb book. Blah.
District is tomorrow. Oh, I am just sooooooo excited. I can't wait. Uh huh.
Wednesday, December 4
Despite what other people say, these things are most definitely worth crying about.
breaking a nail
losing your keys
getting stepped on
very old friends
wrinkles
stomach aches and cramps
things that itch
getting the wrong letter when you twist off an apple stem
socks without their mates
missing your favorite TV show
accidentally squishing an ant
people who don't use coasters
crumpled paper
bug bites
ugly haircuts
sneezes
burnt toast
outgrowing your favorite clothes
watching your mom pack all your old dolls away
dirt between your toes
bad grades on dumb assignments
things stuck between your teeth that just won't come out
getting chocolate on a library book
eating a worm
chapped lips
forgetting what you were going to say
and, mostly importantly, spilled milk
Oh, lots of practicing tonight. All I can say is that I have no expectations for Saturday. I probably won't even 'do my best.' Why do I care how I place at some dumb competition? It doesn't say anything worth hearing about me as a horn player. I practiced because it made me happy. I barely even touched my district music. I played lots of old things. Solos and band music (ah, jazz band...) and that sort of thing. I miss Kealing. I wonder if I'll miss McCallum this much when I graduate. I kinda doubt it.
I just got home and I'm shivering uncontrollably and I hate winter and I can't really type much more because my fingers are so numb.
Abby, dearest Abby...I missed your face on the way to third period. What was I to do without your smile? It was a heart-wrenching moment of despair. Um...seriously though...I did think, "hmm, where's Abby?" Do you feel special? I CERTAINLY hope so. And even though you said that it probably wouldn't be so great, I'm saying it anyway. That's right folks. Without Abby, my day just wasn't the same.
So, it's past midnight and I'm not even a little bit tired. I'm a night owl. And a morning person. Really I like anytime of day as long as I'm awake. Sleep is for losers. But right now, I think I need to be a loser.
Tuesday, December 3
Oh, the wondrous fun of Tuesdays. Well...um...sure....
So, I'm still super out of it and I still refuse to blame that on fatigue. My new theory is that I'm not really Lucinda. I'm just an essence that hops from being to being and absorbs their life, not realizing that I was ever anyone else. So, until I adjust to this new form, I'll feel strange. Yes, that is much more interesting then mere sleepiness.
Monday, December 2
I'm back at my mom's house until this weekend.
It's been a really weird day. I feel...disoriented. And rather than dismiss this as fatigue or illness or some crap like that, I think I'll let my imagination wander. Why stifle myself? Perhaps aliens have been reconstructing my memory in my sleep. Although, I prefer to think of something more magical than aliens. Ghosts? Fairies? The possibilities are endless.
Sunday, December 1
I had the disgusting realization that I'm nothing more than a giggly, feminine, pitiful GIRL. Eeeeewh. I hate women.
After a brisk walk I've returned with a calmer perspective and a blister on my second toe. I've come to the conclusion that I have to learn self-control and patience if I want to succeed in anything. I cannot let my emotional extremes impair my life. Basically, I'm pretty damn unreasonable. I want people to live up to my expectations, but the expectations I have are impossible for most people to live up to. My new rule of thumb: People are different. I can't change that.
On the way home from my lesson (district is this week, oh fuck) I saw Ben Miller standing on the corner of Koenig and Burnet. I started thinking about sixth grade which got me started on the past in general. I'm a sucker for memories. But can you really blame me? I live for that rush I get when I see a building I used to walk by and wonder if it was haunted. God. It really is a terrible thing to live for. A painful thing to live for. I worthless waste of time. But still satisfying. And then I thought about friends. Friends I'd lost. So, from my first buddy to last year, here is a list of people I once called friends but don't really anymore. And if you want to make yourself feel like shit, I highly suggest the construction of a similar list.
Ben
Noah
Nathan
Sonnet
Teal
Huck
Lesson
Shim
Haven
Shepherd
Merit
Noble
Jenny
Halie
Brendan
Kate
Rachel
Jacob
Luke
Amber
Ashley
Steffany
Gabi
Ben (Hardee, yes, I know)
Haley
Rebecca
Nicole
Amanda
Venessa
Vanessa
Lindsey
Rachel
Jenna
Hilary
Kayla
Lara
Paula
Alice
Matty
Isabel
Kathryn
Evelyn
Jenny
Angela
Katie
Tesla
Malkia
Elisabeth
Randi
Holly (B.)
Loretta
Megan
Kit
Kate
And that's all I can really think of right now.
Winter is nice because my dad makes lovely Austrian dishes. Unfortunately, he insists that we eat soup first. Today, after beef and potato soup, we had Aepfelzweckerl. It's basically these little potato dough things with cooked apples. Wonderful. You have no idea.
Apparently I have a very condescending tone on the phone. I apologize. I'll work on that. But if you ever call me, know that I'm not being mean or sarcastic, and despite what it may seem, I do respect you.
