Thursday, January 30
I think I need a new personality, or something. Because I'm getting bored with myself. I'm such a fool.
It's really funny how, at the time when I'm supposed to be picking two issues to be interested in, I've given up on being interested in anything. I really think I'm going to make something explode. It's also really funny how, for the musical, I know like two notes of my part and don't really care that I can't play the rest. It's ALSO also really funny how I could care less about my friends or family or school or blah blah blah. However, what isn't at all funny is that tomorrow I will care and I will seriously regret everything that I am just on the verge of completely blowing off, and, thus, I've already begun the process of screwing myself over for a few days.
Today's number was a very lucky eleven. I was pleased.
I've decided that the universe's mind is getting smaller.
I am, officially, the Invisible Lucinda.
Wednesday, January 29
Oh man. I like being poor.
Actually, I should say:
Oh man. I like pretending that I'm poor and complaining about everyone who isn't because complaining is what I do best.
Really, I think suicide when you're 96 is the best way to go.
I'm going to be the (second) most cynical person EVER when I'm 22, or something.
(Samantha gave me a ride home and she's a very good driver. I was pleased.)
Tuesday, January 28
So, yesterday sucked, but today totally made up for it. Two people told me last night that today would be great, and they were pretty much right. Actually, I don't remember the school day and I don't want to bother trying. Well, I remember that during English, I read some short stories out of the book Romeo and Juliet is in. They were really sad. Hmm. But yeah, after school, some lovely band people and I went to Dan's (Hamburgers, that is) to eat and it was dandy. I sat with Paul (yes, the one from Kealing) because he was lonely and "broken." He amuses me. Um, then everyone was playing four square outside, and Holly accidentally got the ball stuck on the roof of the school. We soooo got Chris to go up after it. Of course, Ms Nelson caught him and so it's still up there, blah blah blah...
Band sucks, but I still like it.
Monday, January 27
I hate how I try and convince myself I've changed, but really I'm the same person I was on that first day of kindergarten.
I have seen few things more amusing than this.
(By amusing, I mean disturbing. Especially this.)
Sunday, January 26
I really like how I make it seem like I have concerns and worry and am often troubled or lost or confused.
Bullshit makes me happy.
I hate it when I'm just SO wrong.
Anna, I would like to apologize to you. It occurred to me that our present situation is, in fact, nearing that of fifth grade. Of course, you don't really see the extent of the danger from your side, but knowing the people I know, it is very possible that high school could be the same thing again. I've noticed that the way I often treat you reflects a manner which defies my fundamental beliefs as to how I ought to. Therefore, I'd like you to know that I will do my best to afford you the respect which I require myself to give most people, and I will attempt to avoid repetition of our last year at Brentwood.
I suppose that everyone has a tendancy to fall back to old habits when they let their guard down. However, I've worked very hard to avoid those habits. Those from my past should know the "new me" just as those I've been more recently become acquainted with. Let's see, who was I in fifth grade? A hell of a lot more like I am now than I'm willing to admit. Imagine me with a bitter twist. But that hasn’t gone away. I just suppress it. Is that really the best way to go about life? My number one goal is to be a nice person. Nice to everyone. Whether I like them or not. In some ways I am. But it just hit me that those closest to me often end up ignored as I strive to be good-natured. Thus, I apologize to all my friends.
Then again, maybe I don't.
I can't believe there's a movie on TV about an American woman who falls in love with Fidel Castro. It's been 20 minutes of the damn thing and they're already having sex. Oh god.
Saturday, January 25
Nora said that if I wear my jacket everyday throughout high school, I'll be a legend...the girl with only one outfit. That is soooo my new goal.
I had a lesson this morning. Then my dad and I went to the grocery store. I saw the most beautiful woman ever. And these really pretty flowers. I like it when everyone is really grouchy and mean, but I’m all nice and pleasant. I like it when I smile at the grumpy shoppers, and they glare at me. It makes me feel good. They’re stupid. I’m not. Lalala…
Wednesday, January 22
I like how I suddenly have the ability to wander aimlessly all alone and not feel in the least bit self-conscious or loser-like. TAKE THAT YOU STUPID SOCIAL PEOPLE. Oh, and today I realized that I do have friends! Man oh man. Life gets better every day.
(I think it's great that this blog is complete crap. I have so much fun with...everything...)
Being that I have stumbled on what is UNDOUBTEDLY the absolute key to complete contentment and a wonderful life, I've decided to let you know what it is.
Oh wait...no I won't. I'M NOT TELLING!!!
Tuesday, January 21
I love how I designated today to be my "I'm sullen and sulky, so fuck off" day and it turned out great! Man. People should leave me alone more often. To those of you who felt a little snuffed, please don't take it personally. I love everyone. But then I was super hyper. And now I'm super hyper. And yeah. General greatness.
Monday, January 20
'Tis better to stumble than to fall.
I think it's funny how whenever I'm uncomfortable or miserable I get all shy and quiet. I think it's funnier how this happens so often that people think I really am a quiet person. I also think it's funny how I like to imagine my friends as being intelligent, (moderately) mature people, but then I realize that they really aren't! Not that I am either. Man. But the funniest thing ever is how sometimes when I'm with some of my closest friends, I'm the quietest I've ever been. They dismiss it, thinking that I'm just pondering stuff...I dismiss it, hoping that I'm just tired. But really it's because I don't want to be there. Now, sometimes I'm insanely hyper. Usually a bad hyper. The kind of hyper that I don’t want to be. The kind of hyper that no one likes to see. This is, undoubtedly, the effect of caffeine. The end.
Lalalalaaaaaaaa...
It's a beautiful day.
I want to be an umbrella. A blue one. Open or closed? I've yet to decide.
Sunday, January 19
Love - A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
According to that, there are two people I love. Damn.
I love everyone. I just don't want to talk to you (ever). Or be around you (ever). Or anything (ever). Except when I'm not in this mood. Then people are fun. But for now, I want to watch you die and then kill myself.
Oh, and by the way, I'm in love.
My god I can't believe how much this weekend has sucked. Well, for NORMAL people it would've been fine. However, I am super insane and I can't seem to stay level and I HATE people... Actually, I love people. I just hate being around them. They're great, I'm not. I'm so stupid. I hate myself. Blah.
Friday, January 17
Sometime ages ago I posted something about how I would be pondering society for the next while. I have come to only one real conclusion, thus far:
The quickest way to make yourself happy is to make others happy first.
However, if that holds true, then selfless acts are, in essence, the most selfish things of all. We all live to be happy, dear.
I'm so back.
THREE DAY WEEKEND!!!
English sucks, and I have the feeling that it isn't going to get any better.
I dislike Ms Gornall more and more every day.
My teeth hurt. And I'm bored.
Life is really fun.
All my problems at home are caused by my problems at school, which are caused by my problems at home.
Holly looked ghetto today.
People who randomly buy me M&M's for no particular reason (*cough*Amber*cough*) are insanely cool.
Right now, people who hug me (even though I claim, at times, to hate it) are pretty damn cool too.
Nora told me she hates that I don't let her read my blog. I laughed. There's nothing here that she doesn't (on some level) already know. Besides, it isn't like I hide it from her. It would be unbelievably easy to find.
Not that you care.
I have (recently) developed a rather annoying (very, annoying, that is) habit of using parenthesis (almost) everywhere. Yeah. I know.
Tuesday, January 14
I'm around for two hours because I'm special and (super) sneaky and I have bunches of homework, blah blah blah...
Life sucks. People suck. I hope you all die, and then I die too.
Ms Gornall is a bitch because she never lets Owen talk and, personally, I think that many of the things he has to say are quite interesting and completely relevant to the class.
The only thing I'm learning in my English class is how to look at a painting. I still hate it.
I'm considering compiling a new (official!) Cool Hair List to which many people will be added, including the tall guy I see in the halls whose name I don't know even though Holly told me, and Mr Snyder.
Thursday, January 9
I'm not allowed on the computer for two weeks and am only able to post this because I am just that sneaky. Hell yeah.
Tuesday, January 7
I stormed over to my dad's house for a while, but now I'm not really mad anymore, nor do I have the energy for a post which encompasses my lost frustration. I love everyone. Except that I'm mad at Nora. I remember that much. But I still love her.
Monday, January 6
I want to put a museum in a mall, call it "Nothing Cool Here," and see how many people try and buy stuff from it.
Sunday, January 5
Oh wow. It just hit me. I don't have to have an opinion about everything. Cool
The way I see it, everyone has a book to write. And everyone wants to write it. But who really has the time? Or discipline? What’s funny is that everyone wants to write an autobiography. Everyone wants to share their life. But dude, who cares? Save it for your blog. We want to read about creativity. We want to read things that show talent. No one cares about your life. Lives suck. Lives are depressing. You really think we watch TV because it imitates real life? Bah. Whose life is that perfect? We want to see fantasy. Joy. Things that are unattainable in the here. And books are the same way. We want a story, not a life. Now memoirs are interesting. They have pizzazz. They aren’t all dates and relatives. But autobiographies are fact. Disgusting. I had to write one in sixth grade. My teacher gave me a bad grade because it showed too much emotion. Not enough fact. It was for a goddamned English class. Literature. Literature is emotion. And dreaming. God I hated that teacher. Why the hell would I stifle my creativity by boring her with the facts of my life? What a fool.
Now go write your book.
So, I had this insane dream. And I'm not going to tell you about. You don't really care. I know it, you know it...but I will give you a summary, because I like telling about dreams. Even though nobody likes to hear my dreams. My dreams suck.
The end of the world is coming in 27 minutes, so this girl throws herself off a building to stop it. Then people have sex in a glass elevator. That’s all.
Saturday, January 4
I woke up this afternoon and I realized that this blog is really boring.
I kind of want to staple my thumb. That would make my day worthwhile.
I spent the night at Holly's. We're taking a poll:
If you were going to do something to rebel, what would it be. Please, let us know what you're rebelling against, as well as what you're doing.
Thursday, January 2
Dead/Lost Pets:
Angel
Einee
Meanie
Minee
Mo
Ernie
Bert
May
July
Lucky
Woody
Mr Wiggles
Ginger
Tokyo
Mitzy
Myrtle
Sunday
Mercury
Venus
Mars
Saturn
Neptune
Pluto
Fred
Lent
Cal
Mocha
Monday
Wednesday
Friday
Saturday
And the 24 offspring of Venus and Saturn who I never bothered to name
Living Pets:
Trigger
Ashes
Pandora
Friskee
Tuesday
Thursday
That's disgusting.
Damn, what's with those stupid insane hyper highs, followed by crashing really really low? I was floating around and bright lights hurt my eyes and Falco actually sounded good for about half an hour there. Then I look at my buddy list, see Lindsey's screen name and realize that I'm not talking to her. Woah. Not talking to Linz? When did that happen? She's one of my four (ex?)best friends! What happened? Just a few months ago, wasn't I promising her that we'd always be just as close? Didn't I say that I love her too much to let our friendship just die, and the same for the rest of the posse too! Christ. Wow. I still love them, don't I? Of course I do. How could I not? We all agreed that we wouldn't let it fall apart. But hasn't it already? Sure, we still have fun when we get together...but it isn't like it used to be. It can't be like it used to be. I really can't live like this. There's no joy if the people you love most aren't there to share it with you. Somebody please say something that makes missing people go away.
And it isn't just the posse. What about that long list of friends I've lost? Some of them I could care less about that. Some of them I kick myself about. God. Life may not be fair, but it really should be.
Why I don't like America:
On several occasions, Ms. Gornall, my geography teacher, has referred to the United States of America as a continent. Oh my god.
Wednesday, January 1
Dude, what is so wrong with being cliché?
I got a strange rush of regret for letting the days when I was still an intelligent person pass so quickly. But, a new year has begun. Therefore, I suppose, I have the opportunity to change that. You know, say something worth saying every now and then. Well, we'll see. As for new years resolutions, I have one...be something that more closely resembles healthy. Eat more, sleep less...
I have the tendency to avoid politics. I found long ago that I hate the government, everything it stands for, everything it does, general authority, the fact that those with power are the most selfish, the lack of basic human qualities in politicians (kindness, compassion, honesty, etc...) and the sheer volume of people involved in the governmental system. To me, it's obvious what is right and what is wrong. The president always seems to lean towards what's wrong. Now, I'll admit, I have a rather limited view compared to that of those in the White House. But, to me, it seems that someone as "pro-life" as Bush should spend more time defending lives and less time taking them.
